I don't have words for how difficult it is to have hope in the tough moments, but it's becoming a little more commonplace. It's alarming, to tell the truth - the almost a knee-jerk reaction of toughness that follows the low points. It's as if my psyche knows it's weathered as much despair as it can. The resiliency is a welcome survival mechanism, unsettling as the phrase "survival mechanism" may be.
I heard this quote in a book once:
"My father taught me that the happiest people in the world have something to do, something to hope for, and someone to love."I can tell you the most miserable place you can be is having nothing to do, nothing to hope for, and no one to love. It's an outright dangerous place to be. But you can't stay there. No one can. You have to cry, lay in bed for two days, pray, then put your damn shoes on and run. You have to mine hope in budding trees, in children playing with their fathers, in sermons, and in songs. There is no short cut through grief. When it comes to it, there is only survival.
I know one day I'll take solace in the fact that I loved her completely, that I "left it all out on the field" as my Dad used to say, but I have yet to reap that reward. I never gave up on her, even when it meant that her giving up on me would sting more. It wasn't out of any smug self righteousness, either. Two years on, with her a year into her new love, there is little point. I loved her. I still love her, though she's different now. It's hurts to type that. My wife, the woman I've loved for so much of my life, doesn't exist anymore. I see her ghost all the time. She has our son call me, tells me how much he misses me, but she doesn't feel the same. She wants me to visit so I can see him, so she can spend time with her new love.
No one ever tells you how difficult it will be. They either feel bad adding insult to injury or, more likely, can't fathom how hard it will actually be or how long it will take. I wish someone had gotten in my face and told me straight up:
"This may very well be the hardest thing you ever face, but you have to face it. You will have days when there is a literal, physical pain from grief and hurt. It won't take weeks or months, but years to process what has happened, so adjust your perspective and expectations accordingly. Nothing about it will be fair, so forget fair exists. You will hope for her, and she may even let on that she still feels for you, but love is a commitment, and she doesn't love you. She will never love you, and likely never did. The deceit that took place was a possibility in her heart the entire time, so her love was never what it seemed. She will look, sound, smell, and act the same as the woman you fell in love with. When your hands touch, you will still long for her, and this will not pass easily. You will not be able to imagine how this will pass, nor are you supposed to be able to.In your darkest moments, there will only be you and God. You will fall to your knees, weak and with tears in your eyes, and He will never let you down. Moving forward, however incrementally, you must begin to expect blessings in your life. Hope is the platform that Faith has to stand on, and you must be ready when God wants you to move forward. You can waste your whole life looking back if you choose. There is certainly less resistance down that path, so be mindful of how the devil will try to use anger and hurt against you. Fight back. Character is built when we do the right thing when it's hard to do it. Whenever there is a fork in the road, choose love, and when it hurts, pray for strength. Do not waiver from this.Forgive her. Forgive the debt. You can chase it but it will never be paid. It will never be paid. You can allow the cloud to remain over you, but the deficit will only grow. God has other plans for you (amazing plans!), so get busy living for those, full throttle. We are called to excellence -- that hasn't changed."